Work verses Farm

I have worked days all week and I'm exhausted. I get up every morning at 4:20 am so I have time to shower, get ready, feed puppies and take care of the farm animals. Each morning I drag myself and a bucket of water out to the barn and frantically feed the pigs, goats, bunnies and chickens before I run off to work.

I find myself entering the barn and flicking on the lights with the franticness that comes from thoughts of being late, but as soon as I hear their waking noises (grunts, snorts, clucks and sniffs) I feel my heart warm. I grab the plastic containers and head to the feed room.

There is a distinct smell to the feed room. Grain, dog food and dust. It's comforting... at least to me.

There is a rhythm in preparing their food. Half a cup of dog food and a full cup of pig ration. Each mixed for the individual. Don't forget to drop two cups into the dish by the door for the cats. Grab a little extra bunny pellets for Softy who is now living in the doll house.

Time to run the gauntlet. Over to Ginger's bowl and dump quickly and then move back towards Charlotte's dish before she gets upset. The goats are climbing up my legs to get to the containers containing their pellets and I push them off hoping to save my polyester work pants. Phew.

Okay. One into Nelly's bowl and one into Willow's dish and the panic ends. The bunnies run from dish to dish trying to sample, ignoring the steady supply of food in their hutch. The chicken is sharing with Ginger and I pause a moment to gather my thoughts and remember that life isn't always a race. Watching them share their food helps me remember to get along with everyone.

I stare too long at the chicken and pig eating and I am going to be late, but at least I'll be in great spirits when I finally get to work. It's a calming sedative to watch them share their breakfast. It's stress relieving and a nice balm to to soul to know that different species can share.

Dump the water, throw a flake of hay and race towards the house to change coats, boots and grab my coffee for the quick drive to work.

As I shift into reverse I can smell a little goat on my pants and see a few hairs.... a nice reminder of my joys.

My twelve hour work day ends and I'm exhausted. It's been busy and I'm stretched beyond my usual. I drive home with the radio off and think of the things I must do before I can relax and grab a glass of wine. I try not to dwell the work stuff, but sometimes it follows me home. It sneaks up on me when I'm not looking and I feel it grab me by the guts and squeeze. Seeing so much human suffering affects me in the end. There is a point where logic leaves and you desperately want understanding, but don't find it.

Puppies need to be fed, barnyard animals need nightly hay and cuddles, dinner needs to be made and finally my beloved glass of wine. I often wonder if I dream too hard of that glass of wine.

I feel beat up tonight. Used up and put away without a shower. I feel dirty, exhausted and hollow. I like to think I can handle the job, but lately I'm starting to wonder. I find I can either handle the job or the personal life, but not both at the same time. I've never craved a break. I've never truly felt the need for a vacation, but these days I want to escape. I want a vacation from working all the time, even if it's work on the things that I love.

I crave bedtime, and when it finally comes I welcome the pillows and mattress with love. Good night world.